"Time & Confusion."

Friends may come and go. But God will always provide you for good. You may get separated from the ‘old ones’ But you’ll meet ‘new ones’. -Madea

the past few years of my life have been some of the best and toughest years of my life. i have found that friends come and go, no matter the promises to stick together. i have learn’t that not everyone cares. i have learn’t that some people will use you. and i have learn’t that no matter how nice you are, not everyone will accept you. but despite the hurt that has come with these years of my life, i have learn’t lessons. and it’s not that everything has been bad; i have learn’t to forgive. i have learn’t to truly care for someone and want the best for them. i have learn’t that some friends are still there, no matter what. i have learn’t that family means so much. i have learn’t that this life is so much more than about me. i have found my calling in life, and i have found that i have a passion for serving others for Christ drives my very being. i have learn’t how much i love people in general. i have learn’t from my past many lessons on life.

as some chapters of my life are closing, some shorter than i anticipated, i am finding that other doors open. it’s crazy, and by no means easy. but God has a plan, and His plan is always good. it always has been.

i am so thankful for a God who loves me so much, that He sent His Son to die for my sins, so that i might be saved.

<3

if my walls could speak.

"you'd know the truth if these walls could sing." -Anberlin

sitting on my bed tonight, i gazed at my walls. they are COVERED in posters of bands, drawings, pictures, concert countdowns, concert tickets, set lists, etc. as i looked at all this, it occured to me that my walls represent my life, in more ways than one. yes, they show the things i love, but on a deeper level, they represent how i cover pain..

my walls have seen me at my happiest times, my smile that truely meant something, my joy, my love, my kind spirit, my lowest times, my weakest times, my most hurful times, when i have hit rock bottom, they heave felt my anger from my fists, they have seen me want to give up, they have seen me tremble, scream, cry.. you name it, these walls have been there to experience it.

all the posters, pictures, and such are symbolic of my cover up of all the pain.. these bands, these pictures, these pieces from concerts, they are all part of the happiness in my life (i do have other happy parts of my life, but stick to the symbolism of the things on my walls here, that's the point of this.). i put them over the walls, covering up any pain they have seen, any hurt.

it's kind of how i feel. i just "tape" on my smile and pretend that i don't ever hurt, that i don't have sad times, that i don't have negative feelings. i cover it all up. i don't want sympathy; i don't want or need it. i feel if i can keep a smile on and it makes someone else smile, it gives me fulfillment that everything is ok. and for that, i am thankful that i have the capability to continue smiling through everything. seeing someone else smile, and making their day just through a smile, well, that keeps my smile going. :) that and hoping people see Christ's Love in me. :) (and of courseeee, love from the people i care about keep my smile going..)

but my walls? they see all my emotions.

that was just something i was thinking about as i peered at my walls.

"don't tell me that it's just bad luck. when will i find where i fit in?" -A Day To Remember.

-haley

relationships.

to anyone who cares to listen, here is my thoughts on what a "relationship", as in boyfriend and girlfriend, should be:

some of you may think i have no room to talk, or some of you may agree with me. but, from my experience and watching and learning from those around me, i have learn't some things.

i believe that a relationship is something not to be taken for granted or that it shouldn't be one-sided. one of the biggest things that cause problems in relationships is jealousy. personally, i think each person in the relationship should TOTALLY be able to have friends of the opposite sex. it helps with advice, and there is NOTHING wrong with friendships. from someone such as myself, who has way more dood friends than chick friends, i would HATE to lose them. BUT, along with that, i believe there should be some respect following that, and i don't mean "rules", i meant what i said, respect. i don't believe you should be one on one with someone of the opposite sex, unless you and your bf/gf have come to terms on how good of friends you and that one person are, and how long ya'll have been friends. there are ways to treat a friend of the opposite sex and there are ways NOT to. i mean, it should be CLEAR who your bf/gf is and who you friend of the opposite sex is; there shouldn't be any question on which is which.

CHEATING: don't EVEN get me started because i could go on for days about how wrong it is. just let me leave it at this: if you're not happy with the person you are with, don't cheat on them, just leave them (in dating, if married, that's another story.) and if something would cause you to cheat, even if you 'didin't mean to', then stay away from whatever would cause you to cheat. cheating is STUPID.

know your boundaries. enough said.

don't spend every second of every day with your significant other. you all need some space, some friend time. don't drop everyone out of your life for one person.

my biggest advice? keep God first in a relationship. if you have that, then EVERYTHING else will fall into place perfectly.



just something i was thinking about.

build higher walls.

So I'll build my walls higher this time,
Thanks to you, baby.
If I'm not worth the fight,
Then let the war be settled.
Because I have no fight left in me.
My walls came crashing down,
When you sounded the battle cry.
But no worries.
I'll build my walls higher this time.
But no worries.
These walls are no match for my prince,
Who shall set my heart free.

better late than never..

i haven't (do i use 'wrote' or written'??) here in a long time.

life is very busy; why, with school and work, i hardly have time to even txt my friends that i normally txt on a regular basis. people are starting to think i 'fell of the face of the earth'. but i haven't, i'm just keeping busy. i am working on a place to find to volunteer, reading a lot more (right now, a book on human trafficking in america. it is more serious than it gets credit..), and i'm making more time for family. unlike most people my age, i find myself with family when i have free time. don't misunderstand, i hang out with my friends and have time with them, but i'm having more time with my family. i love it.

i am trying to get school over with so i can go where God wants me next.. i find school such a bore for me, considering i am a 'hands on' learner. sitting in a class room is not doing much for me. that is why i am planning on doing an internship with 1 of 2 companies after college, before i go on to my next *schooling. i can't wait. :)

life is throwing some challenges with health and all right now, and people thinking i forget them, but i am just trying to stay focused on my goals and living a life that is pleasing and honoring to God. i want that when people think of me, they think "that girl lives a life with a passion for Christ, and helping/serving others, and i want to live a life like that." <---- my goal for people to think of me.

i am so thankful to God for the gift of life, and know Him. <3

i just find myself so much happier the past few months, serving other people for Christ, because i have know for years, i have a passion for people that drives my very being.

love

i find myself lonely a lot lately.
don't get me wrong, i have friends. i have family. i love them all.
i'm talking that kinda lonely in that you want companionship.

i don't have that someone to cuddle with. i don't have that someone to hold me. i don't have that someone to give sweet kisses to. i don't have that someone to love me for myself and my imperfections. (friends&family don't count.) i don't have that someone to run and cry to for help when the world is sitting on my shoulders. i don't have someone to hold hands with. i don't have someone to sit out on the porch with and star gaze with me.

and i know what you're thinking: desperate.

i wouldn't say that. i'd say i'm experiencing a feeling God created me to feel; the longing for companionship.

i'm also scared as anything to get so close to someone again, because i had my heart broken. i feel like i push myself away from a dood if he tries to have a relationship with me. why do i do this? i have come down to two reasons of why i do this:

1. i don't want to get my heart broken.
2. i just haven't found the guy that i want to (and that God has sent) have a relationship with yet.

i haven't decided which one it is yet? maybe both? i know that when i find the right dood, i will let my guard down and want to get closer to him. :) i won't be afraid of heart break.

i know that God loves me and that His love is enough. but God also created me to want to be loved and cared for by a male in a relationship. so me feeling this way isn't wrong.

i just have learn't that i have to trust God in this. He is teaching me patience.

i only ask for two things from a dood:

1. love God before me.
2. be honest and faithful to me and love me for me.

i don't find that too much to ask to be honest. i think it is quite simple. do you think i'm asking too much??

well, i am going to pray that God send me the write man, and that He does it in His time. i am learning patience. it's hard, because i am tired of being lonely. but, God has a perfect plan. i do know that.

oh, love.

that is all. just what's on my brain.

<3

'your actions write the melody.'

life is just going really good for me.

i mean, yes, i am a little confused on where God wants me, what i am doing, and other things that just.. well, confuse me. but i am enjoying myself for the first time in while. i let myself get so down.. and finally, when i relyed more on my God, things turned around. (of course.) He will show me the way, no doubt.

this coming spring has a lot in store for me, to spread the Word in other parts of the world. :) i am so excited!

i feel lately, just.. i am content, yet i'm not, with life. content in that, my God is so working in my life and in my heart and loves me no matter how many times i have failed Him, my family being so supportive and loving, and i'm just enjoying the small things in life. :) but i'm not content in where i'm going (where does God want to use me?), how else can i help? am i showing the love of Christ to everyone i meet? how can i be more Christ like? why is the school system being so difficult? why can't i find a job? why do i let the good things slip out of my life and why do i hold back until it's too late? <---- these things puzzle me. and i do trust God, but i guess my impatience is being tested.

also something in my life.. i just (as i have written about before) have a passion for people that drives my very being. it eats at me. i get teary eyed just thinking about it. i want to help, but sometimes i feel trapped in: how can i help? i am working on that.. i want to do more, i reeeeally do. people NEED to see the love of Christ in me. all the time, every waking second.

prayers would be appreciated for guidance in my life. :) i know God is doing great things, and i need to learn to be patient with His timing.

His love is NEVER failing.