love

i find myself lonely a lot lately.
don't get me wrong, i have friends. i have family. i love them all.
i'm talking that kinda lonely in that you want companionship.

i don't have that someone to cuddle with. i don't have that someone to hold me. i don't have that someone to give sweet kisses to. i don't have that someone to love me for myself and my imperfections. (friends&family don't count.) i don't have that someone to run and cry to for help when the world is sitting on my shoulders. i don't have someone to hold hands with. i don't have someone to sit out on the porch with and star gaze with me.

and i know what you're thinking: desperate.

i wouldn't say that. i'd say i'm experiencing a feeling God created me to feel; the longing for companionship.

i'm also scared as anything to get so close to someone again, because i had my heart broken. i feel like i push myself away from a dood if he tries to have a relationship with me. why do i do this? i have come down to two reasons of why i do this:

1. i don't want to get my heart broken.
2. i just haven't found the guy that i want to (and that God has sent) have a relationship with yet.

i haven't decided which one it is yet? maybe both? i know that when i find the right dood, i will let my guard down and want to get closer to him. :) i won't be afraid of heart break.

i know that God loves me and that His love is enough. but God also created me to want to be loved and cared for by a male in a relationship. so me feeling this way isn't wrong.

i just have learn't that i have to trust God in this. He is teaching me patience.

i only ask for two things from a dood:

1. love God before me.
2. be honest and faithful to me and love me for me.

i don't find that too much to ask to be honest. i think it is quite simple. do you think i'm asking too much??

well, i am going to pray that God send me the write man, and that He does it in His time. i am learning patience. it's hard, because i am tired of being lonely. but, God has a perfect plan. i do know that.

oh, love.

that is all. just what's on my brain.

<3

'your actions write the melody.'

life is just going really good for me.

i mean, yes, i am a little confused on where God wants me, what i am doing, and other things that just.. well, confuse me. but i am enjoying myself for the first time in while. i let myself get so down.. and finally, when i relyed more on my God, things turned around. (of course.) He will show me the way, no doubt.

this coming spring has a lot in store for me, to spread the Word in other parts of the world. :) i am so excited!

i feel lately, just.. i am content, yet i'm not, with life. content in that, my God is so working in my life and in my heart and loves me no matter how many times i have failed Him, my family being so supportive and loving, and i'm just enjoying the small things in life. :) but i'm not content in where i'm going (where does God want to use me?), how else can i help? am i showing the love of Christ to everyone i meet? how can i be more Christ like? why is the school system being so difficult? why can't i find a job? why do i let the good things slip out of my life and why do i hold back until it's too late? <---- these things puzzle me. and i do trust God, but i guess my impatience is being tested.

also something in my life.. i just (as i have written about before) have a passion for people that drives my very being. it eats at me. i get teary eyed just thinking about it. i want to help, but sometimes i feel trapped in: how can i help? i am working on that.. i want to do more, i reeeeally do. people NEED to see the love of Christ in me. all the time, every waking second.

prayers would be appreciated for guidance in my life. :) i know God is doing great things, and i need to learn to be patient with His timing.

His love is NEVER failing.